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Nitz the Bloody
Mon Aug 30, 2004 at 02:18:04 pm EDT
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #4: Love in Circuits!
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Nitz the Bloody: Summer Special #4: Love in Circuits
By Neil Kapit

A typical dinner in the Nitz the Bloody household involves only Nitz eating. Zach’s diet is too specialized, and Tricia no longer requires food. But everyone still congregates in the tiny kitchen to watch Nitz eat. They sit and talk for about a half-hour, then go back to their own rooms, Tricia to listen to her ambient music, Zach back to his comics and video games, and Nitz to the TV to convert his mind to sludge.

This, of course, will not be a typical dinner.

Today has been a paticularly uneventful day. A call from Gothammetropolis York reported a djinn emerging from an antique lamp, granting the wishes of a small child. This caused local schools to be carpet bombed from above by black-and-red F-15 planes driven by hippopotamuses. Nitz and his crew had to intervene, where they teamed up with the Lair Legion to face down the djinni J’afarrrg and force him to reverse the events. This only took a couple hours, though, and made no money because the Lair Legion were officially the ones who saved the day.

So now the Nitz party is back at their small apartment, to watch Nitz eat a TV dinner of chicken and mashed potatoes. Joan stands behind Nitz, motionless.

“ You know that I exist to serve you, “ she states.

“ Yeah, “ Nitz replies, “ I appreciate that. Now, if you could just get me some soda.... “

” And I have read your mind, to know exactly how you need to be served. “ She continues.

“ Yeah, so? “

” I have been inside what humankind would call your soul. I know of your feelings. “

Nitz shakes his head and looks behind him. “ I don’t quite follow. “

” Your loneliness, your despair. The lack of companionship that has plagued your entire life. I know the deep sadness you have because the opposite sex has, as of this point, ignored you. “

” T-that’s not true! I’ve just been too busy! “

Joan jumps over Nitz and onto the table, doing a rapid one hundred and eighty degree turn to face him as she gets on all four limbs. “ You make excuses for your loneliness, and you try to deny it. You try to live your life alone, with a secret hope that your special someone will come along, tell you you’re important to them, and spend the rest of their life with you. But nothing, not even your Zeku magic, has allowed that to happen. You remain a half searching for a whole. “

” What the hell are you getting at?! “

“ Silly boy. I merely wish to help. “

With that, Joan forms two perfectly sculpted red lips on her face, and lunges forward to plant them on Nitz’s face. Nitz tries to call out, but his mouth is forced closed by hydraulic lips. His own face feels a distinct buzzing.

“ What the hell are you doing?! “ Tricia demands. “ Get off him! “

Joan backs off the table and Nitz’s face to the floor, getting into a standing position. “ I am merely giving Nitz what he desires, “ she explains.

“ Freakly robot love? Nitz isn’t like that, right? “

Nitz looks at Tricia, and shakes his head very slightly. He tries to speak, but nothing comes out of his mouth. It feels a bit sore.

“ I am only here to serve Nitz. “ Joan mechanically states.

” Well, for future reference, “ Tricia explains, “ Serve him without your tongue. “

Zach walks in the door, back from a sojourn to the restroom. “ So, what’d I miss? “

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the stroke of midnight, Nitz is back on the couch, the place where he typically sleeps. He is wearing nothing but his pajamas and helmet, feeling a need for extra facial protection. He is channel surfing, and has decided to stay on viewing a daft Australian man who wrestles large reptiles. Joan creeps out of the shadows to stand in front of the screen, blocking Nitz’s view. “ We need to talk. “, she says.

“ I forgive you, already, “ dismisses Nitz. “ Can you get out of the way please? “

The robotic maid puts a hand on Nitz’s shoulder and stares him in the eyes. Nitz feels great pressure exerted on him.

“ I have been feeling unusual sensations lately. You are the source of them. “

” I smell that bad? Listen, I get the hint, I need to take a shower. I’ll get around to it. “

” I have spent weeks watching you, Nitz. I have observed you in a variety of situations. I see you at your best and your worst, when you are asleep, when you are awake, when you are happy, when you are dissatisfied. I find myself compelled to observe you. “

Nitz stares back at her, looking into Joan’s eyes. They are yellow electrodes in the center of a flat surface, but they burn like miniscule suns.

“ I have observed the media of your culture. I have seen on your so-called soap operas, how people feel for another. How they risk steady social relationships and betray promises in order to go after other people. There is a mysterious quality to it, but people are willing to kill others for this feeling. Is this.....what I am feeling? “

An awkward silence follows, as Nitz’s jaw hangs open. “ Wow. I just.....wow. “

” I--Love--You, Nitz the Bloody, “ Joan enunciates, leaving large pauses between her words. “ I wish to make you happy. And I will not stop for anyone who threatens you-- threatens us. “

” Look, “ Nitz replies, “ I don’t know what made you feel this way for me, but it just can’t work out, see? You’re a robot. What would my friends think? “

” What does it matter what they think? Is humanity a condition of mere biology, or is there more to it? Do your magical abilities make you less than human, or your friends for that matter? Does my mechanical form make me a mere machine, or am I capable of humanity as well? “

Joan starts glowing brightly, and a yellow flash fills the room. When the energy subsides, she has taken on another shape. Her hair is an organic orange instead of an artificial silver, and her skin tones are pink, covering up her formerly exposed joints. Her form is featureless and stark, but a significant change has occured to her eyes. They are now white and blue, with a watery sheen.

“ Can you love me for my own humanity? “

Nitz’s mouth gapes open as his eyes widen, as though they are bursting through his mask. “ My god....you’re....you’re..”

” Beautiful? “

” Needing of some definition and then clothing to cover that definition, but still.... “

” Does this mean we consensually kiss now? “

” I’m not opposed to it. “

Joan lunges onto Nitz, and presses her lips against his. Thin plexiglass shields cover her eyes. Nitz’s own eyes are open for this, but they soon close, as his mind slips off into a dreamlike state.

NEXT: Joan and Nitz’s first date. ‘Twill be the talk of the town, folks.


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